I battled depression after losing my first child for a long time. After that day at the park I managed to get by everyday just by staying busy with work. I was not doing good in school, I was in my junior year and I knew that I was not going to pass. Even though I knew that I had to continue on with life and I already knew what I was going to do with my life, everyday was a struggle for me. It was spring and summer was just around the corner yet there were days that I just could not get myself out of bed. I wanted to sleep the pain away and forget the nightmare I was living. My mom noticed that I was not eating and I was losing a lot of weight, so she took me to the doctor. He prescribed me some medication for depression I really didn’t care the only reason I was there was because my mom forced me to go. I remember going home straight to bed and my mom knocking on my door. She came in to check on me to make sure I would take my medication. She stood there with water and opened the water for me and handed me a pill. Then she handed me the bottle and told me make sure to do as the Doctor said. She waited until I put the pill in my mouth and the she left. As soon as she closed my door I spit the pill out. I laid there on my bed holding the bottle in my hand and stared at the bottle. In my states of depression every now and then I would have my moments when I just couldn’t face life, but I knew that I had the strength inside me to pull through and I knew that these pills were not for me and I didn’t need them. In that moment I was realizing, ”I got this I can pull myself up I don’t need this shit !” So I got up and I went to the bathroom and I flushed all the pills down the toilet.
As school came to an end I was ready to face my future. I had a talk with my mom after school was over and I told her point blank, ”I want to move to another state”. At first she looked at me confused, but after she straightened her look and just replied, ”are you sure?” I said, ”yes.” My mother never questioned me, never asked me why, she didn’t even try to object with my decision of moving away. I think that as a mother she just wanted me to be okay and in that moment it was the best decision for my well being. I had though about this for a long time I knew that I was walking away from a lot of things. My home, my family, my friends Odessa, Texas was all that I knew and I was walking away from it all. I knew that I would never come back because I had set my mind on building my future away from home. I wanted to find myself, to explore life to venture out and work on my goals, but I also knew that what I was looking for was not there in my small town.
It didn’t take long within days my mom had already purchased a ticket for me. We didn’t talk much in those days but I could see the sadness in her eyes because she knew she wasn’t going to see me for a long time. And she was right because I had no plans on ever returning back home. My mom drove me to the airport and I was actually excited. I was ready to face life, but I also had a lot of mixed emotions , one thing I knew for sure was that it would all be worth it. Saying goodbye to my mom was hard, my mom was crying I hugged her, told her I loved her and walked away. Walking away to board the plane I would glance back at her and see her standing there crying and sad, but all I could think of was its okay mom I will be okay I will come back one day and make you proud.
I boarded the plane for the first time in my life all by myself, I looked at the ticket as it read one way…..I thought well this is where my journey begins.